MY real love story!-

my legs might be trembling, but it least hurdled me, i knew i was panting , i had a strange feeling of deja vu, i had been here, in my dreams, in my worst dreams, i heaved a huge breath and carried on walking and here, i stopped, next to the drawer, my fingers didnt shake, i was astounded to find that , i quickly pulled the drawer, here it was, i picked it up, i realized i couldnt stare at it for any longer ,so i i slashed it, slashed that razor across my wrist..red hot blood hurled out , it pained , i bit my lips and i could taste blood..searing pain overtook me and i fainted...

'i love u soha, i really do, please dont say that you'll die without me, it gives me scare- i wont live with that load on my heart darling, no soha please--here, give me a hug, i love you i am doing something just pray that i am successful"

“I love you darling”

my eyes drifted open...

' yes soha, she loves and cares for me the way you do’

My heart was yelping with pain.

‘ i had a girlfriend before , i loved her but now she is married, i do miss her sometimes
dont give me lectures, soha
its high time you decide whether you love me or your wife? – we will talk about it later darling, now go!’

I cried out, here on my hand did I feel some warmth, my eyes were wide open now, I tried but my vision was blurred, after some moments , I could make out , standing beside me, was Ali
‘how are you feeling?’’ Ali said , hesitantly pulling back his hand
‘I tried to voice but it choked,only word I could utter was ‘fine’
Ali nodded, as if understanding what I hadn’t said- I could smell flowers beside my head, which he had brought, I could decipher his neat handwriting, smell of flowers intermingled with that of blood, my head was jammed and thoughts scattered, my eyes drifted to Ali’s face, I could see tears in his cold black eyes, he was worried!

This time when I opened my eyes, I had maham in room with me, her eyes were tearful which she suddenly hid , noticing my attention- I was kept strapped to bed- maham could always guess how I feel so she came near me and bent down over me, her silky hair loosened and I could feel spikes of her hair on my face ‘soha, don’t worry you are being discharged tonight, you have been here since 5 days- dad and mum are dead worried- dad kept awake all this while and mum made you some soup, which I have brought with me, trust me, you will feel better’’
‘’I will feel better , I will feel better’’. Repeating this in my mind, as if assuring myself,I closed my eyes, ‘ I will feel better’

This evening, Arfa and maham alongwith dad and mum came to take me home, dad passed me a forced smile and mum averted her face- she always hides what she feels, I knew that, Arfa came toward me and kissed on forehead,’ hey princess!” , she gasped, ‘ I will stay with you darling for a week, special grant from mum, she wishes you best of health’

Aunt, Arfa and Ali, trio really do care for me, Ali is my classfellow in Bsc Architecture while Arfa , Ali’s sister and my best friend is doing BSc from homec

Maham helped me stand, my wrists were still bandaged, I could spot out blood on the bandages, it still pained, whenever I tried to move my limbs but Arfa was convinced I would be fine in a week’s time and then we will have fun. Like driving out for liberty market or country club in her own sports car or going to cinema watching new Pakistani release’, or our all time favourite, spider man
Drive to home was rotten, none of us spoke – I was disappointed, why did I have to live again? Why? – other people were worried, sure they were, I had always worried them, my teen years brought ill reputatation to my so nice dad- I smoked his prestige off- he left us to work in Saudi, It was never easy, he loved us, he had to go through lonesome moments only because of me, mum had to shrug off people’s smirks, cause being me-
I am a bad girl, I always have been a bad girl, this realization hit me and
My head sank with agony, for moments I felt it would split up with pain, I grasped arfa’s hand , she had a concerned look in her eyes- that is last thing I remember before I fainted yet once more!

‘soha , how are you darling? What are you wearing? “
‘oh nice, bet it suits you, you are so fair, pretty girl, blue suits you, every color does’

I sat up, I was in my room-

‘soha, whats wrong with you haan? Why you have become such a rebel against me?
She cares for me, she calls me up so frequently asking if I am fine
I cant ditch up my parents for you
Yeah, maybe I will talk to her, one day’

‘One day?’
I murmured, maham and arfa , looking anxious, came running to me,
‘yeh say princess,’ arfa asked in her same familiar tone
‘When arfa?’
What when soha?
‘When he will, when he will?’ , I broke up in tears
Maham glanced arfa and nodded as if confirming something
‘He wont, ever!”
I was astounded with her so determined tone
‘liar, you are liars, maham and you, both of you, he will do something, he is mine, he is mine, yes””
I incessantly tried to convince myself,
‘don’t be hysterical soha, see whats true, he isn’t anywhere , is he? He didn’t even consider asking where are you, I checked your mails but no, he doesn’t care, its true, its about time you stop lying to yourself’
Maham was talking nineteen to a dozen, all the while she spoke, she didn’t look at me
‘do u think I am mad or what maham, you are my sister and arfa, you are closest person , I have , after, well after him’
This time arfa spoke
‘not that princess, only you are so naïve, you are pure in your relations, when you love someone you mean it but as they say it takes all sorts to make world, not all are same- he is different , selfish, he isn’t worth your love or any feelings from you princess’
‘ I love him, damn it, I love him , no matter how much I try to put him off my mind, he doesn’t leave me, I am occupied”
‘and so you tried to kill yourself? ‘ maham asked with pain in her voice
I kept quiet, I yet do not know why I did such thing! i confessed to myself but didn’t voice
‘say princess..do u know how worried aunt and uncle were and me ,maham , ur other sibs, and well, Ali”
I looked up at the mention of Ali and then again bent my head
‘Ali’
‘come off it arfa, I always worry you , do not I , well what if I worry you once more and for last?- I hate this life, why do u want me to live? To miss him, to have him rankling my thoughts all my life, to envy , to wish , to hope , to dream. To fail or what , arfa?’
‘don’t be so stubborn soha- you wont kill yourself for a rogue , wanker who plays some nasty pranks on your heart and tells you, he has no way to let you in’
She had crossed her limits, I could sense anger boiling in me and this anger somehow transformed into hot, excruciating pain – I bit my lips and clenched my fists, my nails dug harder into my palms, some blood oozed out, red hot blood!
‘arfa advanced toward me but I pushed her off me
Maham was the one who rescued me, in blood from my bedroom
And now Arfa was abusing HIM , in front of me
‘let it be this way, this is so small in comparison to that mental pain which your words cause me”
I blurted,
Arfa and maham had dazed expressions on their faces , here I was smiling to myself, I am mad, indeed mad!

Sleep tonight was very uneasy , I knew I had hurt my best friend, for whom? Who is he of me? Does he know what is happening to me or does he care? These are my people, they love me- maham, dad, mum, somah( another sister) , osman (brother). arfa and well…Ali!
Why do I hurt them always , not wanting but I do It somehow! I do it always I am a bad girl!

Realization hit me and tears bubbled up in my eyes , somah was standing near me, my big-brains doctor sister, she had traveled all way up from Islamabad to see me, her sister who had yet again worried her!
‘how are you , princess?’ she said , planting a gentle kiss on my cheek
‘Fine’ this fine was just as hollow as the one I had spoken to Ali
‘see Abdullah has made some cards for you..”
Abdullah my little , pretty nephew, whom I called MAK better-
‘where is he?’
‘Mum asked Ahad ( my brother in law) to pick some medicines from store, Abdullah is with him, they must be reaching here in 5 minutes’
Okay
I said, disgruntled

Next days passed formally, Somah passed me curious glances whenever Ali came in, to see Arfa or to convey some message from Aunt, Ali looked concerned, I could sense his eyes darting in my direction wherever I went
He was worried, he didn’t talk to me much , I don’t know but he was so formal now that I felt he didn’t like me, but this wasn’t the matter, I had been brewing false thoughts and I didn’t come to know that only until , until one day when Ali proposed to me through his mum

I was shocked, Arfa must have stopped him and her mum, she knew that, well, she knew that he wasn’t the one I love, the one I live for and the one I tried dying for!

Mum asked me , still ,I was furious, I shut door at her face telling her to leave me alone lest I should go away forver, from this house
I shouted at somah, for she held a part in it! She was discouraged and next day packed for islamabad
Oh! How hurt did mum look. , how bad must somah have felt….I was filled with remorse and I repeated it again, something that pained less than regrets, failed thoughts and dilemmas, I pierced knife into my palm this time and an aura of contentment swept over me!

Each night, I would dream the same nightmare , ‘I was all alone, tied in ropes and rock solid manacles at my hands, it was a desert , then he came and shot me , I cried with pain and he laughed and he left me , wounded, while I craved to die, it was painful, I didn’t die but continued with that pain”
He couldn’t do it!
I think its time I should reveal his name, well he is Sandy from Mumbai, India ,hindu and married- and no kids!
It has been 2 years since we first met, where? , in a chatroom..why? God alone knows WHY….
We started up as friends and I liked him, he talked so sweetly that he captured me and one day he told me that he loves me
It took me time to say that, though I always knew I loved him-but I couldn’t ditch up his life, his marital life for me, I was a bad girl, fate made me that but I always mean well for people,.who will believe?

Next day, when I made to dining room for breakfast, Ali was there, he looked up as I entered and then cast his eyes down, moving his spoon to and fro in plate, i passed him a glare-full of hatred, what he thought he was doing , proposing to me, doesn’t he know how bad I am or that he wants to show compassion? Or is there some bet in college, who will get the most-sought-after girl in college- the princess-me…

I gobbled up my corn flakes, my break fast…

‘darling! Did u have ur breakfast?’
No darling, first go and freshen up, I am here waiting for you’

It was usually morning when we chatted , he was in his office, and there we talked about everything, politics, books, glamour, poetry,sports everything…he was romantic at one time and cold as ice at another, one could never judge….what mood is he in..
2 years aren’t a less time, when I told her, I am always with him in whatever he does, I mean I could leave my home and parents- just for sake of him- I could keep aside my religion, just for him, I was ready to actually execute it but he would say
‘I am talking to some friends of mine, just let things walk at their pace”
‘we will talk about it later darling, now you go’
‘she loves me and cares for me, just like you’

I woke up in the present only when osman nudged me in ribs,
‘wake up” he said mockingly
‘yeww,’ I nearly cracked my bone
Ali quickly patted my shoulder,
‘oh no’
I pushed his hand off my shoulder, ‘don’t u dare…
I was startled, startled to see tears in his eyes, why he cared about me so much, my little pain seemed to irritate him so much ..he lost control over himself then…did he love me?

For first time in days, I felt ashamed, ashamed over my behaviour to Ali, the boy who cared for me, he hadn’t done anything wrong..
No he has! He is a boy! All are same! All are flirts, why should he be different, he is playing, he will play-
I nomore felt sorry for Ali!

This was the night before Arfa would go..it was first time when we hadn’t enjoyed our time together, in fact she looked troubled and exhausted
She was my best friend, I had to ask her if she hadn’t liked something, though I knew what it was, I still had to ask, for our friendship’s sake
‘Arfa, ‘
‘Yes, princess’
She said with a smile which I felt , was forced
And then her expressions changed, forehead wrinkled and tears streamed down her eyes, she hid her face in hands
I couldn’t bear it, I took her in embrace though pain pounded in my wrists-not-too-well
‘Don’t cry like a coward arfaa, you are bravo’
‘don’t act like a whore soha, you are princess’
Her words tore into me, I pulled apart from her, world was like spinning
What a?
‘Yes whore, soha, be that princess , return us our princess’
She sobbed bitterly
I knew what she meant, she could always coin words which would win situations but I wont let her, this time
‘ I am not a whore, I love..”
‘Yes what soha! Even some whores may love,soha , but u know what they are played with and dumped like used tissue paper, and what prestige do they coin?’
It hurt to realize arfa was true,
‘ I cant see my princess being played with’ she stressed upon her words, impressive , as she always was
……………………………………………….
‘yes soha, I flirted, do as you wish’’
………………………………………………….
‘ don’t let some pipsqueak play with you, you are a princess”
‘I am not a princess’ I shouted back
‘bet! You are, this loyalty, this love, this care, this avowed intent all these make you a princess and needless to say, this beauty too’
She smiled with tears in her eyes!
‘don’t let some pipsqueak play with you”
Her words echoed, I was lost
‘but I have always troubled my parents, I am not a good girl, I am detestable’
Tears of confession boiled inside my eyes
‘but you have love, princess, in your heart, only that you have to determine, this love should be for whom? Those who care for you or those who you care for…those who are worth it or those who aren’t even worth hatred”
She was chewing on words now,
‘remember! My princess isn’t letting anybody play with her for fun and then dump her’
She was magical, her words bandaged my thousand wounds which he had caused, she boosted me up!
I hug her, she squeezed me,
‘you know what , princess decides you are worth her love’
I said , playfully
She recovered, panting and relaxed,
‘I pray this wont be difficult for you’
‘This would be , you know, I am in love with that person I hate the most and I wont ever forget , well, I wont ever forget how evil he was, he tore my heart, he doesn’t even care’
This was time, finally when I could bare my heart to my best friend
‘ I miss him, I miss those moments I wasted on him, I miss that soha which was me before I met him- I miss the person I loved the most’
I hiccoughed
‘you loved him with his disguise so forget about it now”
‘I cant’
‘try’
‘I cant’
‘ you can do it’
‘I cant’
Marry Ali
I cant
Yes what-?
I looked up as if she had dropped some bombshell
Yes, marry my brother , he loves you, if you didn’t get your love, let him get his’- you are a princess, concerned about others pain, aren’t you?

Arfa went but I haven’t answered her question as yet…Ali didn’t meet eyes with me, nor did I, I wish I could reciprocate his love but I CANT, i see no way how it can be possible- I no more chat with Sandy, I am not a whore, that I would let him play with me, Sandy was a flirt, a cheat,- but I am not a whore! This princess wont forget her love, she hates most!

P.S; this is my real story though a bit rhetorical, if sandy reads, sandy I haven’t forgotten you until now, I still miss you but shame on you , have u made yet another girlfriend? You were sick, I am sick of you and yet, I AM IN LOVE WITH THE PERSON-I HATE MOST- sandy

_________________
I hate you, sandy

Is that really your real love story? Very Happy

Excellent Story.....

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Mein woh hoon jo kisi ne kaha:
HAM NAGHMA SARA KUCH GHAZLON KE HAM SOORAT GAR KUCH KHWAABON KE
BE JAZBA E SHOQ SUNAYEN KIYA KOI KHWAAB NA HO TO BATAYEN KIYA